Top 10 Worst Movies of 2016

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’m getting this out of the way as quick as possible! I’ve seen enough movies this year to make a 10 worst list, and I don’t need to see any more!

10) Jane Got a Gun –It’s a dull, illogical, and sexist Western soap opera that features Natalie Portman’s weakest performance to date.

9) I Saw the Light – The emotionless Hank Williams biopic, I Saw the Light is Tom Hiddleston’s worst choice to date. Instead of diving into the psyche of the country icon, director Marc Abraham shows us highlights without context.

8) Suicide Squad – Suicide Squad is the latest addition to DC’s live-action screw ups. Some scenes have kinetic energy, but then others are packed with cartoonish effects and bad stunt work that make Batman v. Superman look like a damn masterpiece!

7) The Sea of Trees – Gus Van Sant and Matthew McConaughey’s collaboration received a widely negative reaction at 2015’s Cannes Film Festival. I get it because this movie tries so hard to make you feel emotions, instead resulting in laughs at its pretentious twist.

6) Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I thought this was going in the right direction. Instead, this was another Michael Bay-produced lackluster overstuffed with bad jokes, too many whiny characters, exposition, and a misused Dean Winters.

5) London Has Fallen – It’s an outdated and offensive action movie that should have been released 30 years ago. Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart are about as equal, xenophobic gun-happy ‘Miricans as Trump and Pence.

4) Get a Job – I love Miles Teller, Anna Kendrick, and Bryan Cranston, but they all embarrassed themselves in the creepy and stupid Get a Job. This is a comedy that glorifies cheapskates, stalking, and office sexual harassment. I’m 25, finished school, and in debt, but I sadly couldn’t relate to this immoral crap fest.

3) The Do-Over – Adam Sandler acknowledged recently that he knows his talent is limited. Was he thinking this during the tonally uneven, overly violent, and misogynistic Netflix film? Kudos to Sandler for switching to Netflix, but not for forcing us to watch him and David Spade get paid for hanging out and bore their audience.

2) Nine Lives – Nine Lives is the only movie I have walked out of halfway through. My walkout is the only reason sparing this disturbing cat comedy from being the #1 worst film.

1) The Darkness –  I love horror movies and Kevin Bacon, but NOT The Darkness.  There’s no originality, vision, or intrigue as we suffer through redundant cheap scares, gender and racial stereotypes, and a horrid, offensive depiction of autism. The look on Bacon’s face shows he’s aware The Darkness is garbage.

And that’s all folks! I saw these worst movies, so you didn’t have to. What was the worst film *you* saw this year?

“Nine Lives”

A little note about the writer – Austin Maggs hadn’t ever walked out of a movie halfway through. This changed after he saw “Nine Lives.”

“Nine Lives” follows Kevin Spacey as Tom Brand, a workaholic tycoon with a much younger wife Lara (Jennifer Garner) and a loving daughter Rebecca (Malina Weissman). When Rebecca asks Tom for a cat, he rudely adopts one from an eccentric pet store owner (Christopher Walken) and then finds that he’s now trapped inside the cat.

One of my biggest pet peeves in film is a movie that’s marketed as a kids movie when it’s clearly not. “Nine Lives” belongs in the 90s when false kids movies like “First Kid,” “Jingle All the Way,” and “Milk Money” were a trend.

SPOILERS AHEAD! BUT DO YOU EVEN CARE IF I SPOIL THIS CRAP FEST?

In the 45 minutes of “Nine Lives” that I watched, this movie had more aesthetics and narrative tropes of both a bad Lifetime drama and a TV comedy. This includes:

-Tom treating his grown son like an employee and insulting his masculinity.

-Lara befriending Tom’s unlikable ex-wife (Cheryl Hines) without any explanation as to why.

-The ex-wife’s snooty daughter having an annoying frenemy relationship with Rebecca.

-Lara revealing her extramarital affair.

-Tom’s disgruntled vice president trying to kill him.

-At least five boring business meetings filled with exposition and scotch. Those scenes alone belong in “Mad Men.”

Barry Sonnenfeld (the “Men in Black” trilogy) directed this disasterpiece, and the mighty has fallen. His overuse of whip pans, quick zooms, and bad CG make me wonder if the budget was actually thirty million dollars. Imdb and Wikipedia say it is, but I still don’t believe it.

I know I shouldn’t review this movie since I didn’t even finish it, but I saw enough of “Nine Lives” to determine this is the worst movie of 2016. And 2016 isn’t even over!

Grade: F